30-something virgin

Well, it's happened. As of a few months ago, I am a 30-something virgin. [cue fanfare] Perhaps somewhere in the back of my mind, there was the hope that this might not come to pass. That something catastrophic might prevent it. Like death. Or sex. About a year ago, I could laugh about having a blog named "30-something virgin". Because I wasn't. But now I am.

Ah well. Best keep looking ahead. I have ten years to come up with a new blog name... :)

I want that

They met on a blind date arranged by a mutual acquaintance. My friend was a student. She was the new girl in town and didn't know anyone. Less than half a year later, they were married. Then his naval ship left for the other side of the world. They still have the letters they wrote to each other then. Later, she followed him from port to port, seeing him each time his ship docked. This fall will mark 44 years together.

I want that.

$7,000 (continued)

I suppose I would have to learn the language of my forefathers/mothers. I did take a few classes back in college. But that was years ago...when I was still young. And I have since reverted to illiteracy and a restaurant speaking level. It isn't the easiest of tongues, viciously capricious at times - where the tiniest glossal slip can mean the difference between "map" and "vomit". I knew of an acquaintance's sister, a nonnative speaker in an intercultural marriage. She tried to learn the language to impress her mother-in-law, and then ended up calling her a horse.

Or is it really so necessary to have a common spoken language? Many animals communicate quite well through grunts, squeals, clicks, and chirps, including pigs, bunnies, horses, dolphins, and married humans. The documentary Cowboy del Amor comes to mind, which by the way I highly recommend (it's about a guy who arranges matches between American men [predominantly older, divorced, blue-collar] and Mexican women [often white-collar, doctors, lawyers]). Here's a quote from one of the successful couples: "We have a rule. She isn't gonna learn English. I'm not gonna learn Spanish. That way we can't fight."

Anyway, I guess I might as well brush up on the old language - where a mere friggin' fricative separates "marriage" from "freedom".

$7,000

Sister: $7,000.
Me: Eh?
Sister: $7,000 (US). That's how much Uncle is offering to anyone who will marry one of his 30-something factory girls.

Our uncle owns a factory in the old country. He has his own sizable brood of not-quite-marriageable age, but his paternal feelings extend to his young employees.

Me: I thought there's a severe overabundance of males there.
Sister: All the girls are in the cities while all the guys are in the countryside.
Me: Why?
Sister: Because the factories hire the girls.
Me: Why?
Sister: [exasperated sigh] Because the girls do the job better.
Me: Why?
Sister: Because girls are just plain faster than boys.
Me: ...

Hmmm...I could use $7,000...

Loser

"You're a loser if you aren't married by the age of 25," my cousin chided my sister (then 25). My cousin made his pronouncement from the lofty age of 12. He's now in his early 20s...and ha!...still single!

Movies

My friend, S, had to go see Sex and the City 2 with his fiancée. Never mind that she was also going to see it the next day with her girlfriends. She needed someone to accompany her to the opening. And so S went. Ever the glass full kind of guy, he was just grateful that she didn't make him go to the midnight screening.

"That's over the line!" said one of my other male buddies, shaking his head. "I'll go shopping with her for feminine hygiene products. I'll even go to Victoria's Secret. Alone. But man! Sex and the City? That's over the line."

"I would've made an ultimatum," said another friend, who'd gotten married a few weeks ago. "The movie or the wedding, Honey."

I met up with S the next day to watch Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. I want my 2 hours back! But at least it washed the taste out of S's mouth. He was visibly unscathed from the previous day's proceedings. Then again, S is made of sterner stuff than I. I would've spent the entire movie whimpering in my seat and then emerged from the theater, a sad, gibbering husk.

I wish I had someone to drag me to see Sex and the City 2. :)

Brother

"My dad's girlfriend came on to me really hard, trying to get me to sleep with her," said E, at 21, one of the youngest residents in the men's recovery center.

"And yet you didn't," I said.

"Nope! That was the closest I ever came to doing it."

"That's okay," I said. "I'm a virgin, too."

At last! A kindred spirit. Someone with whom I could commiserate about never having tasted of The Fruit. Together, we would bask in the fraternal bond of virginity!

"You're 29, right?" asked E. "No offense, but...um...that's kinda sad."

Grrrr...

Ow...

Me (looking at horrific wounds on the top of my friend's feet and imagining piranhas, lawnmower, kitchen accident...): What happened?
Friend (with a knowing wink): Rug burn
Me: (blank look)
Friend (patiently): With my wife
Me: ...!

It could be worse... - Part Two

Earlier, I'd posted about J, my friend at the men's recovery center, where fraternization with the fairer sex is quite verboten. He has managed to attach himself to a young lady from the affiliated women's recovery center. I haven't met her, but from his description, they must be a very sweet couple. I'm very happy for him. J has had a pretty hard life. I'm also not a little envious. And discouraged. That he, amidst all the rules, codes, safeguards, has found someone, while I'm still where I am.

It could be worse...

"I could get in trouble for talking to you," I overheard my friend J say to a young lady volunteer at the men's recovery center for alcohol/drug abuse where he lives. I'd been helping out at the center for a few months but it was the first time I'd heard of a non-fraternization policy. The guys already have fairly regimented lives, with chores, classes, meetings, even physical activity scheduled from 6am to 8pm. Weekends have a little less restriction though they are still required to stay in the immediate vicinity of the campus. There are limited weekend passes to stay overnight with friends or family.

Really, I should be extremely grateful that at the end of a day of volunteering, I get to go back to the Outside World. There, without fear of being sent to bury my arms in soap suds, pots, and pans, I am free to chat, mingle, associate, converse, flirt (ha!) with any females.

One reason why I will never find a significant other

I like dimples...

and crow's feet...

The question

"Have you ever had a girlfriend?", he asked me. We had been discussing women, as is our wont as guys. "No," I replied, trying to keep my face and voice expressionless as I braced for the inevitable question about sexual history. Miraculously, I was spared. Perhaps it had something to do with his being 20 years old and having little to show for the past few years except a few children? Thank goodness he tends to associate with other guys who don't see dating/relationships as a prerequisite for sex.